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Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon

But you're not taking your family to Alexandria to see a decade-old replica hairball. That would be a waste of your precious Dream Vacation time. You're going to Alexandria to see the World's Largest Ball of Paint. That's right: Alexandria is one of those rare places blessed with TWO major attractions, like Paris, which has both the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum; and Brentwood, Tenn., which has Dolly Parton.

It turns out that Alexandria is the home of a painting contractor named Michael Carmichael who, since 1977, has been applying coats of paint to a baseball. Why did he do this? For exactly the same reason that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel: He had plenty of paint.

Over the years, the paint ball grew, until now it weighs more than 1,300 pounds, which makes you wonder what Michelangelo might have accomplished if HE had had a baseball. Back in March, Alexandria honored Carmichael's achievement by holding Ball of Paint Day, and the town is hoping the ball will attract tourists.

Your next stop is Algona, Iowa, home of the World's Largest Cheeto That We Know Of. This is a mutant, 2-inch Cheeto clump, also bearing a striking resemblance to Donald Trump, that was obtained via eBay by Iowa radio personality Bryce Wilson, who placed it on display in a bar. To be brutally frank, the Cheeto is not that visually impressive, so to save precious Dream Vacation time we recommend that you just drive through Algona without physically stopping.

Now you want to aim your car toward the town of Soap Lake, Wash., home of the World's Largest Lava Lamp project. We are not making this up. Promoters are building a 50-foot-high working lava lamp, for reasons that remain unclear to us no matter how many times we read the official Web site, www.giantlavalamp.com (if you go there, be sure to listen to the official Giant Lava Lamp song).

You can print out a photo of the lava lamp and display it when you get to Soap Lake.

"Look, kids!" you can say. "Some day this will ... Kids? Kids?"

Ha ha! Turns out your kids escaped at a gas stop back in South Dakota and hitchhiked home. They're probably laughing at you right now. The little rascals! We'll see how hard they laugh when they find out you spent their college money on gas.

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